Dear Ann, How I wish you had been there when my children were small! It still lives in my memory the moment, when they were 4, 2,and 1 when someone delivered something to my door and on seeing the chaos behind me said, "You should get the children to tidy that up!" I was so angry!
Oh Davina! Sorry that delivery person felt the need to say something like that. It’s so hard when something people say sticks in our minds. And sometimes that “judgement” continues to affect our behavior. (It’s like how people who grew up getting yelled at by their parents for not cleaning up will feel that similar fear as adults when their parents come to visit. And clean up their home to “not get in trouble”)
I was just imagining what I’d do in that scenario. My younger self would probably get sad and cry, then turn into rage while clean up frantically to get rid of that feeling. Actually, my younger self would have also gotten mad at my kids too. (I used to yell at my children with a lot of shame and blame 🤦🏻♀️😔)
My current mindset, I’d try to reframe it: maybe that person thought they were being “helpful” when they offered the unsolicited advice. Maybe they don’t know what is like to be out numbered and sleep deprived. Maybe they haven’t learned that not every opinions is meant to be said out loud.
The fact is, people don’t choose to be messy. Organizing and decluttering are learned skills and if you didn’t learn how, if you have more important priorities such as taking care of 3 young kids, it’s not your fault…and most people grew up only being told “go clean your room” not realizing there are ways to do it effectively and ways that creates more mess every time you reach for something.
It was a long time ago! I have always held shame about my untidiness so it hit right between the eyes! Thinking of who that man was I kind of doubt he was the one who would have tidied up after his own children!
So glad you like this technique! When parents have simple tools, we are more likely to remember use them during moments when fight or flight tends to kick in. I look forward to hearing how the boys respond to this approach!
This was so helpful; and I'm trying it with my boys this week.
What strikes me most is how much this aligns with what I see in my work with children. The moment we shift from directing to asking, something changes in a child's posture; literally and figuratively. They lean in rather than pull away. Because the message underneath the question is: I trust you to make a good choice here.
That trust is not a small thing. Children who feel trusted don't need to fight for control. They already have it. And children who feel in control of small things are far more likely to cooperate on the bigger ones.
This is connection before correction in the most practical, everyday form. Thank you for making it so accessible.
Thank you, Dr. Amy! You’ve explained it beautifully. And it definitely lives up to its promise. I used to feel so nervous asking my kids to do anything because I would anticipate their rejection. That mindset came from my own childhood, afraid of asking my parents because they often got angry and hearing no and feeling disappointed was the norm. So my energy, my tone, pretty much set myself up for failure. Until I realized I needed to shift that dynamic - putting my powerless inner self in their position, I tried asking a different set of questions. And that was the beginning of moving towards cooperation without the tension.
It never surprises me how parenting challenges can be traced back to our own unresolved childhood experiences.
Dear Ann, How I wish you had been there when my children were small! It still lives in my memory the moment, when they were 4, 2,and 1 when someone delivered something to my door and on seeing the chaos behind me said, "You should get the children to tidy that up!" I was so angry!
Oh Davina! Sorry that delivery person felt the need to say something like that. It’s so hard when something people say sticks in our minds. And sometimes that “judgement” continues to affect our behavior. (It’s like how people who grew up getting yelled at by their parents for not cleaning up will feel that similar fear as adults when their parents come to visit. And clean up their home to “not get in trouble”)
I was just imagining what I’d do in that scenario. My younger self would probably get sad and cry, then turn into rage while clean up frantically to get rid of that feeling. Actually, my younger self would have also gotten mad at my kids too. (I used to yell at my children with a lot of shame and blame 🤦🏻♀️😔)
My current mindset, I’d try to reframe it: maybe that person thought they were being “helpful” when they offered the unsolicited advice. Maybe they don’t know what is like to be out numbered and sleep deprived. Maybe they haven’t learned that not every opinions is meant to be said out loud.
The fact is, people don’t choose to be messy. Organizing and decluttering are learned skills and if you didn’t learn how, if you have more important priorities such as taking care of 3 young kids, it’s not your fault…and most people grew up only being told “go clean your room” not realizing there are ways to do it effectively and ways that creates more mess every time you reach for something.
I wish I could have been there for you too. 🙏
It was a long time ago! I have always held shame about my untidiness so it hit right between the eyes! Thinking of who that man was I kind of doubt he was the one who would have tidied up after his own children!
This is practically so useful and simple. Giving them the choice makes them more willing to try. I am going to use this technique with the boys 🤍
So glad you like this technique! When parents have simple tools, we are more likely to remember use them during moments when fight or flight tends to kick in. I look forward to hearing how the boys respond to this approach!
This was so helpful; and I'm trying it with my boys this week.
What strikes me most is how much this aligns with what I see in my work with children. The moment we shift from directing to asking, something changes in a child's posture; literally and figuratively. They lean in rather than pull away. Because the message underneath the question is: I trust you to make a good choice here.
That trust is not a small thing. Children who feel trusted don't need to fight for control. They already have it. And children who feel in control of small things are far more likely to cooperate on the bigger ones.
This is connection before correction in the most practical, everyday form. Thank you for making it so accessible.
Thank you, Dr. Amy! You’ve explained it beautifully. And it definitely lives up to its promise. I used to feel so nervous asking my kids to do anything because I would anticipate their rejection. That mindset came from my own childhood, afraid of asking my parents because they often got angry and hearing no and feeling disappointed was the norm. So my energy, my tone, pretty much set myself up for failure. Until I realized I needed to shift that dynamic - putting my powerless inner self in their position, I tried asking a different set of questions. And that was the beginning of moving towards cooperation without the tension.
It never surprises me how parenting challenges can be traced back to our own unresolved childhood experiences.
"It never surprises me how parenting challenges can be traced back to our own unresolved childhood experiences."
This pretty much sums it up :)
Thank you for restacking this post! I hope it will help many families gain more cooperation through connection.