"Mom! Are these dishes clean?"
From being the “go-to” person to guiding kids towards independence.
For years, that question drove me nuts.
Seriously?
They’re standing in front of the dishwasher! With the door open!
I’d roll my eyes, yell across the room, “Just look at it!” — and then feel that familiar wave of irritation that led me spiraling down, thinking:
I have to do everything.
No one ever helps me.
They don’t respect my time.
The mental load… do they even know what that means?
Here’s the truth:
I didn’t have to do everything.
They did help when I asked them to.
They did respect me.
And no, they didn’t understand what mental load meant — it’s a new buzzword that encompasses all the reasons why we feel stuck here.
No matter how far we’ve come, moms have been conditioned to be the experts of the home. You see it in commercials and TV shows, and we’re told that we have maternal instincts or that the female brain is designed to multitask. (Well, I think that last part is true.)
But when a cavewoman had one main responsibility — to keep the baby fed — the modern mom might be working a full-time job while planning the kids’ birthday parties, volunteering for the PTA, and taking sick kids to the pediatrician… all while on a Zoom call.
Yet most of us push through. Some days, even overwhelmed with exhaustion, we end up walking over to check the dishwasher ourselves — just to avoid another question.
That only lasts until the space we use to hold all the resentment and anger can no longer take another sock left on the floor; then we explode.
We feel disconnected from our children, from ourselves, just trying to get through another day.
We think we need to put our family’s needs first… because who else will? Except that what they really need is a mom who models prioritizing basic needs so her children can learn how to truly take care of themselves.
They need a mom who has the energy and patience to show her children that taking care of the home can be something enjoyable to do together, not something that involves blaming or shaming.
These situations are the reasons I created the Dooley Method, sifting through 17 years of being a mom and 8 years of working as a home organizer, collecting stories and solutions along the way, to teach families to work as a team to take care of the home — so moms don’t become the default.
These days, my kids clean their own rooms, do their laundry, and keep their bathrooms clean (…enough).
In the same way, I’ve had to learn to take a step back and not just “get it done faster myself.” The families learning the Dooley Method are breaking the cycle — from the parents learning to declutter and organize for themselves and to guide their children, through connection, to do the same.
After I made that shift with my family, one day when my son asked me if the dishes were clean, instead of letting it set off alarms in my head that he’d never learn to be responsible or independent, I responded with a gentler version: “I’m not sure. Take a look inside.”
No tone. No edge.
Then, in a curious tone, I asked, “Can you make a sign to show if it’s clean or dirty? I can get you a piece of cardboard, and you can design it however you want.” He got involved. It became a creative solution that we used daily. Even better, it was a reminder of how we resolved a constant frustration into a touchpoint of connection.
Before I go, I’m thinking about doing some mini-workshops on this topic. Would you be interested? What small thing in your household feels so minor yet makes you want to throw a dish across the room?
Home organizing is creating a place for everything.
Parenting is teaching a child that they belong somewhere too.
The Dooley Method is doing both at the same time.
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