What Will I Get For It?
On rewards, motivation, and what they'll really get
My sons looked at me and asked, “What will we get?”
The task was cleaning the bathroom they share.
I understood the question. We live in a world that runs on incentives — a star on the chore chart, extra device time, something from the prize box. It makes sense that kids start to expect a transaction.
But I also knew that whatever I offered in that moment would become the price of their cooperation next time.
And the time after that.
So I said “You get a clean bathroom.”
They weren’t thrilled. But they did it with an excessive amount of protective gears just short of a hazmat suit.
What happened next was not quiet or tidy. I'd hear screaming, laughing, and "No, you do it!" as they carried on for way more time than necessary.
But they were doing it. Together. Without a prize waiting at the end.
As chaotic as it was, they did not want my help because they were having fun.
I hear versions of “What will we get?” from kids when parents ask them to do something. The bribes that started small, then one day stop being worth the effort. The chore charts that held so much promise becomes more work to keep track of. The exhausting back and forth of negotiating something that should just... happen.
I get it. When you’re tired and the bathroom needs cleaning, extra device time feels like the fastest path to yes.
But what parents actually want is kids who take on a task not because there’s something in it for them at the end — but because they understand there’s a need for action and they feel capable of doing it.
Parents want it to feel natural, like “This is what we do in this family.”
That happens through:
Parents modeling noticing it, taking care of it, and expressing how the result feels
Giving kids opportunities to try, fail, and know they’re supported enough to try again, and again, and again — each time with more confidence and less friction.
Acknowledging them with words that name their character, not just “good job” — “You guys put so much energy into that. The bathroom smells amazing!” or “The mirror is so spotless I can see my wrinkles!” (true story)
The reward-free approach is about trusting that contributing to a shared space, taking care of something that’s yours, and doing it alongside someone you love — is enough. Sometimes it’s more than enough.
What to do next?
Here’s a free subscriber video from the Dooley Method Library. It’s part of the Start Here series as the foundation for working with your kids. It’s what I wish overwhelmed parents knew about organizing with their kids.
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🙏 so true! Especially this day and age, this mindset shift is so necessary.
Awesome article!
For people raised with harsh discipline and punishment, rewards seem like a kinder alternative.
But rewards are transactional: “Give me what I want, and I’ll give you something in return.”
One of my core values is generosity. Families don’t work when every request becomes a transaction.
Of course, relationships need balance. No one thrives when they feel they are only giving. But expecting an immediate return for every act of contribution doesn’t create closeness either.