For people raised with harsh discipline and punishment, rewards seem like a kinder alternative.
But rewards are transactional: “Give me what I want, and I’ll give you something in return.”
One of my core values is generosity. Families don’t work when every request becomes a transaction.
Of course, relationships need balance. No one thrives when they feel they are only giving. But expecting an immediate return for every act of contribution doesn’t create closeness either.
Great point about the family can’t function when every request is transactional. This is so ingrained in me that to this day I have a hard time with myself. For example, I need to earn my rest. I need to walk more steps before I have dessert.
And what’s so interesting, is because I parent my children differently than how I was raised, they don’t have that wiring. (Which honestly I feel jealous and happy at the same time.)
Felt your words so deeply -and thank you Ann for opening up this conversation 😍
I love this: “families don’t work when every request becomes a transaction…”
Honestly, it applies to so many group dynamics too. Such an important skill to teach kids early - how to lean into generosity, contribution, and community rather than scarcity or scorekeeping.
🙏 so true! Especially this day and age, this mindset shift is so necessary.
Awesome article!
For people raised with harsh discipline and punishment, rewards seem like a kinder alternative.
But rewards are transactional: “Give me what I want, and I’ll give you something in return.”
One of my core values is generosity. Families don’t work when every request becomes a transaction.
Of course, relationships need balance. No one thrives when they feel they are only giving. But expecting an immediate return for every act of contribution doesn’t create closeness either.
Great point about the family can’t function when every request is transactional. This is so ingrained in me that to this day I have a hard time with myself. For example, I need to earn my rest. I need to walk more steps before I have dessert.
And what’s so interesting, is because I parent my children differently than how I was raised, they don’t have that wiring. (Which honestly I feel jealous and happy at the same time.)
Jealous and happy sounds right. How about adding proud to the list? 😉
Yes. I do feel proud. Thank you!
Felt your words so deeply -and thank you Ann for opening up this conversation 😍
I love this: “families don’t work when every request becomes a transaction…”
Honestly, it applies to so many group dynamics too. Such an important skill to teach kids early - how to lean into generosity, contribution, and community rather than scarcity or scorekeeping.
Yes, that's so true. It applies to every group.